I have lived my adult life like an international pop star

Central London, on Boxing Day?!

soap tends to sting when applied directly to the eyeball

christmas has passed

don't dvd players have pause buttons?

when you're lighting a candle, don't drop the lit match into a carrier bag full of stuff

it goes dark if you unplug the lamp. you won't be able to see to plug it back in

don't bang your head. it hurts

plants die. mine do, anyway

don't wave at strangers. they only look like people you actually know, and they just look at you strangely

a young kid in virgin said to me "Oi, mate, gimme sixteen quid."

when the time is "Senior R&D Engineer", you're misparsing your fields

"make" is not spelt "mek", no matter how it's pronounced

no, navigator didn't die, you just changed desktops

you know it's time to go to bed when you can feel yourself getting sober

jumpers weren't designed for pouring tea down

note to self: stop losing cds

note to self: stop putting cds in silly places

bananas are like cucumbers

don't play with knives

don't have a nosebleed

yes, that little button on the front of the computer does do what you expect

portscanning can be extremely hazardous to your ssh sessions

superglue is voodoo magic

i have lost my leatherman

it was under my socks

you can't rewind the track by holding the "back" button on the stereo when you're playing an mp3

you know you've probably had too much to drink when walking is an interesting experience you wish you'd practiced at an earlier age

you know your music's too loud when it knocks over a can of stella

if you have a file containing just the text "permission denied", things can get confusing. if you're me

guinness makes me sing

i want to be in the velvet underground

it's scaleable! more guinness makes me sing even more

the osd for the monitor doesn't need mouse focus

when you light a candle, don't blow it out when you blow out the match

if you put pepper on a pizza, it is nice

when you scratch the top of your head with a biro, make sure the top's on

don't poke yourself in the face

while i was in the bath, the candle flickered out for a split second. i instinctively thought "bah, power cut". then it came back to life and i remembered candles probably weren't affected by power cuts anyway

no matter how much you like tea and hot chocolate, don't mix them in the same cup

don't dance around with the curtains open and the lights on

don't buy halo. you'll get three hours sleep

when food takes too long to cook, shout at it

heated towel rails and bare bums don't mix. ow

get a receipt for things you buy, then you won't have to take them apart within 20 minutes of getting them home to make them work

if you have to tell people that it's funny, it's not funny

i had a dream i recorded a foo fighters song onto a lego man and threw it through a hotel window where i knew nirvana were staying, then dave grohl came to see me on a hovercraft

don't bang your head. it hurts. if you do bang it, it's ok to shout "ow" very, very loud

i'm sorry i don't update this very often

coke + nasal passage = sting

power cuts are GREAT!

don't forget your headphones

the man in homebase scared me a bit

you know you're sweaty when you find 5p stuck to your back

i dropped a sock in the bath yesterday. it got wet

i just dropped another sock in the bath. it got wet. i think i've proven something

someone just found my online cd list by googling for a very strange phrase

i just found a tape labelled 'dec 2002 (midday)'

it's time to tidy your flat when you've lost your playstation 2

note to self: stop dropping socks in the bloody bath!

i was going to make an entry in here but i forgot it so i can't

you can't use your right hand to put savlon on your right elbow

i was looking forward to getting up tomorrow morning but i've forgotten why and i'm starting to suspect i imagined the whole thing

it's great having a cold, really. everyone should have one. in fact, you can have mine. gotta catch 'em all

i saw a lorry on the motorway the other day, belonging to a company called "gaywood". it struck me that i wouldn't want to search for their web site, or start randomly picking domains

i saw a citroen jumpy today, and it occurred to me that i've never known such a stupid car model name

bah. i tried to say "snot" and my phone thought i meant "root". that's just blatant anti-unix bigotry

the urinals here have something strange in them

i thought my sandwich had submarine oil on it, but i misread it

i was just reading something and managed to confuse "stigmata" and "astigmatism"

november != december

it's ok to swear at inanimate objects

you know you're a serious geek when you try to type "sinus" three times, and each time it comes out as "sunos"

amusing spam subject lines, part 10004:

26/12/2001
subject:	Central London, on Boxing Day?! Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time... I was heading back down the M1, trying to decide which route to take around the M25, when it seemed like continuing straight on could be more fun. At least in terms of seeing interesting things, anyway. I had nothing to rush back for, and well, er, stuff. So, I went straight past the M25, and came off the M1 at junction 2, or 3 or 4, or something - Finchley/Barnet-area, anyway. I followed signs to "C. London", coming down through Highgate and some places I hadn't heard of. I was amazed at how many places were open, and how busy the area was! Bit of a shock, at least, after coming down from Sheffield where it seemed that nowhere was open, even the biggest suburban supermarkets. Finsbury's V-Shop was open, and while not entirely packed, certainly had a few customers. Random takeaways/restaurants were doing a reasonable trade too, it seemed. I seemed to be heading for St. Paul's. A reasonable destination, I thought. Suitably famous, and I'd never been there. I then headed up the river towards Westminster, nipping up onto The Strand en route. Stupid road made me turn left over one of the bridges (the one that goes to Waterloo Station). I turned right round anyway, and went back over :-) At Trafalgar Square, I went through Admiralty Arch and up The Mall. There was nobody about! It was great! Buckingham Palace looks weird in the dark with no lights on. I'd have thought they'd at least leave a few on, so as to give the idea that there's someone home to any passing burglars. I then went up Victoria Street and round Parliament Square. The Houses of Parliament looks great at night. The abbey was dark, though, as was the London Eye. Weird-looking. Once I was south of the river it was boring. There's nothing there! Even the Brixton Academy was in darkness. Then I got home and had a curry.
2/1/2002
subject:	soap tends to sting when applied directly to the eyeball
5/1/2002
subject:	last night Paul McCartney came round and I got him to sign my copy of Sgt. Pepper. Then Alan had a big van. It said "Alan Crosby's Driving School" on the side. He was trying to reverse it out of a car park, but he couldn't make it go straight. Loads of BMWs and Mercedeses were falling off the edge of the car park and making him nervous.
5/1/2002
subject:	christmas has passed Uses for leftover rolls of wrapping paper, #312: LIGHTSABERS!
6/1/2002
subject:	don't dvd players have pause buttons? So why would a disc need a stills gallery?
8/1/2002
subject:	when you're lighting a candle, don't drop the lit match into a carrier bag full of stuff
8/1/2002
subject:	it goes dark if you unplug the lamp. you won't be able to see to plug it back in
13/1/2002
subject:	don't bang your head. it hurts
14/1/2002
subject:	plants die. mine do, anyway
17/1/2002
subject:	don't wave at strangers. they only look like people you actually know, and they just look at you strangely
23/1/2002
subject:	{ != (
27/1/2002
subject:	a young kid in virgin said to me "Oi, mate, gimme sixteen quid." i thought about it for a second, and said "no". maybe you had to be there
7/3/2002
subject:	when the time is "Senior R&D Engineer", you're misparsing your fields
11/3/2002
subject:	screwdrivers hurt especially when rammed into thumbs, i'd have said
11/3/2002
subject:	man -k != make -n installing things post-alcohol isn't necessarily the best way to do it
11/3/2002
subject:	"make" is not spelt "mek", no matter how it's pronounced
13/3/2002
subject:	no, navigator didn't die, you just changed desktops
13/3/2002
subject:	you know it's time to go to bed when you can feel yourself getting sober
18/3/2002
subject:	jumpers weren't designed for pouring tea down
19/3/2002
subject:	note to self: stop losing cds note to self: stop putting cds in silly places
19/3/2002
subject:	bananas are like cucumbers discuss
19/3/2002
subject:	don't play with knives they can, like, y'know, cut you and stuff
20/3/2002
subject:	don't have a nosebleed i forget why
20/3/2002
subject:	!!ARGGHHGHGH!!! IF YOU'RE GOING TO USE A BASHISM, AT LEAST RUN BASH!!! NOT SH!!!!! AHARGHRHRH
2/4/2002
subject:	yes, that little button on the front of the computer does do what you expect don't press it again
5/4/2002
subject:	portscanning can be extremely hazardous to your ssh sessions
7/4/2002
subject:	superglue is voodoo magic
7/4/2002
subject:	i have lost my leatherman
7/4/2002
subject:	it was under my socks
22/4/2002
subject:	you can't rewind the track by holding the "back" button on the stereo when you're playing an mp3
30/4/2002
subject:	you know you've probably had too much to drink when walking is an interesting experience you wish you'd practiced at an earlier age
12/5/2002
subject:	you know your music's too loud when it knocks over a can of stella
5/9/2002
subject:	if you have a file containing just the text "permission denied", things can get confusing. if you're me
5/9/2002
subject:	guinness makes me sing
5/9/2002
subject:	i want to be in the velvet underground
5/9/2002
subject:	it's scaleable! more guinness makes me sing even more
5/9/2002
subject:	my knee smells nice
13/9/2002
subject:	the osd for the monitor doesn't need mouse focus
15/9/2002
subject:	when you light a candle, don't blow it out when you blow out the match
17/9/2002
subject:	if you put pepper on a pizza, it is nice
21/9/2002
subject:	when you scratch the top of your head with a biro, make sure the top's on
22/10/2002
subject:	don't poke yourself in the face
24/10/2002
subject:	don't bite your lip
25/10/2002
subject:	while i was in the bath, the candle flickered out for a split second. i instinctively thought "bah, power cut". then it came back to life and i remembered candles probably weren't affected by power cuts anyway
5/12/2002
subject:	don't lick tissues
10/12/2002
subject:	no matter how much you like tea and hot chocolate, don't mix them in the same cup (they don't taste very nice)
10/12/2002
subject:	don't dance around with the curtains open and the lights on
16/12/2002
subject:	don't buy halo. you'll get three hours sleep
17/12/2002
subject:	mt != mv
17/12/2002
subject:	when food takes too long to cook, shout at it
18/1/2003
subject:	heated towel rails and bare bums don't mix. ow
18/1/2003
subject:	get a receipt for things you buy, then you won't have to take them apart within 20 minutes of getting them home to make them work
28/1/2003
subject:	if you have to tell people that it's funny, it's not funny
2/2/2003
subject:	i had a dream i recorded a foo fighters song onto a lego man and threw it through a hotel window where i knew nirvana were staying, then dave grohl came to see me on a hovercraft
3/3/2003
subject:	don't bang your head. it hurts. if you do bang it, it's ok to shout "ow" very, very loud
30/5/2003
subject:	i'm sorry i don't update this very often
4/6/2003
subject:	coke + nasal passage = sting
6/6/2003
subject:	power cuts are GREAT! work out in the sticks then you can have them ALL THE TIME!
16/6/2003
subject:	don't forget your headphones
8/8/2003
subject:	the man in homebase scared me a bit i asked if he sold fans, and he told me that he didn't, but i didn't really need one. he believed that i should simply run a bath of cold water and leave it, then when i got home from work, i could get into it. lovely. i tried to tell him that this wouldn't really help me when i was too hot trying to sleep, but he had an answer for that. i could sleep in the cold bath. i gave him a funny look. he said "well, i do it, and i sleep with my dogs". i was going to ask him "in the bath with your dogs?" but i thought "no, cut your losses. just nod. it's going to be one of those conversations."
10/8/2003
subject:	you know you're sweaty when you find 5p stuck to your back
21/8/2003
subject:	i dropped a sock in the bath yesterday. it got wet
17/9/2003
subject:	i just dropped another sock in the bath. it got wet. i think i've proven something
22/9/2003
subject:	someone just found my online cd list by googling for a very strange phrase they searched for 'half man, half carrot, half computer, half tree and half of the twin towers' i'm almost too scared to imagine what they actually wanted
23/9/2003
subject:	i just found a tape labelled 'dec 2002 (midday)'
24/9/2003
subject:	it's time to tidy your flat when you've lost your playstation 2 and i mean lost
84/9/2003
subject:	note to self: stop dropping socks in the bloody bath! yes, we know they get wet
6/10/2003
subject:	i was going to make an entry in here but i forgot it so i can't
7/10/2003
subject:	you can't use your right hand to put savlon on your right elbow
7/10/2003
subject:	i was looking forward to getting up tomorrow morning but i've forgotten why and i'm starting to suspect i imagined the whole thing
8/10/2003
subject:	it's great having a cold, really. everyone should have one. in fact, you can have mine. gotta catch 'em all
23/10/2003
subject:	i saw a lorry on the motorway the other day, belonging to a company called "gaywood". it struck me that i wouldn't want to search for their web site, or start randomly picking domains
23/10/2003
subject:	i saw a citroen jumpy today, and it occurred to me that i've never known such a stupid car model name
23/10/2003
subject:	bah. i tried to say "snot" and my phone thought i meant "root". that's just blatant anti-unix bigotry
27/10/2003
subject:	the urinals here have something strange in them when i wee, it makes a lot of bubbles, and i mean a lot. i'm slightly embarrassed that people might think i'm weeing pure liquid soap
29/10/2003
subject:	i thought my sandwich had submarine oil on it, but i misread it
15/11/2003
subject:	i was just reading something and managed to confuse "stigmata" and "astigmatism" that really threw me for a minute
24/11/2003
subject:	november != december
18/7/2004
subject:	i like cider
18/7/2004
subject:	it's ok to swear at inanimate objects they can't answer back
3/8/2004
subject:	you know you're a serious geek when you try to type "sinus" three times, and each time it comes out as "sunos"
23/9/2004
subject:	amusing spam subject lines, part 10004: Subject: Rolex is what I want you to wear.-Minky_minky_diddly_dinky /buckwheat floral titmouse